Fred Olen May: HOLLYWOOD CHAINSAW HOOKERS (1988)

Oh, Fred Olen Ray, what a prolific master of schlock you are. The man has made so many movies that barely count as movies, but occasionally he drops an absolute banger. 1988’s HOLLYWOOD CHAINSAW HOOKERS is one such banger, one of Ray’s most entertaining films. Ray’s secret weapon? The queen of the scream queens: Linnea Quigley. Though there have been several actresses who’ve carried the moniker of scream queen, from Fay Wray to Jaime Lee Curtis, to Quigley’s HOOKERS co-star Michelle Bauer; none have ever embraced the crown with the bravado, charm, and unbridled sexiness of Quigley.

Quigley already had a burgeoning scream queen career when she had her breakthrough in 1985’s RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD as the graveyard dancing Trash.

From that point on, she was at the top of scream queen mountain. Quigley managed to blend girl-next-door charm and a wicked sense of humor with a willingness to do whatever the role required, which usually involved getting naked early and often. She would continue to star in B-Grade classics like SORORITY BABES IN THE SLIMEBALL BOWL-O-RAMA and NIGHT OF THE DEMONS (both 1988), often starring alongside Bauer and fellow scream queen Brinke Stevens. She’s working just as frequently today, including playing herself in director Charles Band’s meta-comedy TROPHY HEADS (2014). She also has an active website store where you can snag great autographed merchandise. Scream queens never die.

Amazingly, for as many films as both made, Quigley and Ray only worked together a few times, including, most notably, 1991’s SCREAM QUEEN HOT TUB PARTY.

Quigley seemed to prefer working with directors like David DeCouteau and Kevin Tenney, while Ray had a long working relationship with Bauer. In fact, it’s the lingerie-clad, chainsaw-wielding Bauer who is front and center in all the marketing materials. Which isn’t a complaint, mind you, as Bauer cuts a striking image. But it’s the rarity of a Ray/Quigley pairing that makes HOLLYWOOD CHAINSAW HOOKERS so special, and my personal favorite Ray movie.

Down-on-his-luck P.I. Jack Chandler (Jay Richardson) is hired to find a missing girl named Samantha (Quigley). As part of his investigation, he discovers that a man, known only as The Stranger (Gunner Hanson of 1974’s TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE fame), is using prostitutes (Bauer and Dawn Wildsmith, Ray’s wife at the time) to decapitate their clients with the titular weapon. Chandler's investigation leads him to Samantha as well as the realization that The Stranger has far bigger plans for both.

Ok sure, this sounds like a standard horror movie set-up, but Ray and fellow screenwriter T.L. Lankford (1986’s ARMED RESPONSE) have their tongues planted firmly in cheek. Richardson’s hard-boiled narration and deadpan one-liners reach NAKED GUN-levels of parody, and Richardson delivers it all with the same straight-faced seriousness as Leslie Nielsen in those films. Watching Richardson deliver a line like “You could have knocked me over with a pubic hair” as though he’s a sleazy reincarnation of Raymond Chandler is what movies are all about folks.

Ray also piles on gallons of ridiculous fake blood during the murder scenes, while throwing numerous fake body parts at the actresses from just off-screen. Bauer, here credited as Michelle McLellan, gets covered in what looks like gallons of cherry Kool-Aid and plastic Halloween store fingers. Not one second of this film is meant to be taken seriously, and for me that’s always when Ray is at his unhinged best. Ray has questionable talents as an actual filmmaker, but his best movies all display a sharp wit that is at odds with the cheap sets and quick, dirty filmmaking. Ray often shot his films in days (HOOKERS was shot in five days) and it shows, but when his wit and humor, coupled with actors who had raw talent, was humming it papered over everything else.

Also papering over those negatives is an absolute star performance from Quigley. Quigley doesn’t appear until around 30 minutes into the 75-minute film, but as soon as she does you know you’re seeing someone magical. Ray capitalizes on Quigley’s charisma and do-anything attitude best with the climactic “Virgin Dance of the Double Chainsaws,” which finds Quigley, clad only in body paint wielding actual live chainsaws as she dances. Ray had no time, money, or interest in using fake chainsaws, so Quigley ended up getting lightheaded from the fumes. You simply must respect the dedication to the craft. The scene is made better knowing that Ray didn’t even plan on it, but the film was running short, and he needed to fill some running time. We should all be so creative as to be able to come up with the “Virgin Dance of the Double Chainsaws” on the fly.

You can readily find HOLLYWOOD CHAINSAW HOOKERS streaming on various free sites like Tubi. You can also buy the Blu-ray directly from Ray’s Retromedia via its shop on Makeflix.com, in a featured loaded edition with commentary from Ray.

However, if you are region free, I can’t recommend the 88Films Blu-ray highly enough. It has everything the Makeflix version does, plus an additional commentary.

It also features the amazing Kenneth J. Hall-directed LINNEA QUIGLEY’S HORROR WORKOUT (1990) as a bonus feature. HORROR WORKOUT is a Jane Fonda-style workout video hosted by Quigley that’s also intercut with some of her greatest scenes.

It makes a great double bill with HOOKERS. The disc is unfortunately out-of-print but can be found on ebay and various other sites if you keep your eyes open.

Ray and Quigely both have equally prolific careers; some films are great, many are not. But HOLLYWOOD CHAINSAW HOOKERS was something special. The clever mix of hard-boiled parody and Quigley’s off-the-charts star power makes HOOKERS part of the upper echelon for both director and star.