Number 12 — ICE CREAM MAN
For the month of October, we’re counting down the best horror movies of 1995! Check back every day for a new entry in the list.
Come on, babe
Can't you see, I'm the Pied Piper
Trust in me, I'm the Pied Piper
And I'll show you where it's at
No one is safe from the barreling juggernaut that runs ice cold through the unsuspecting neighborhood humming a jaunty tune from a bygone era. No, we’re not talking about the titular hard-packing sweet treat terror in Norman Apstein’s (nom de plume for prolific adult film director Paul Norman) ICE CREAM MAN (1995) but I’m describing myself as I have a little bit of a weight problem, poor circulation, and must once again don the mantle of champion for cruelly chastised cinema!
“Hiya, honey!”
Why, yes I am wearing a cape that says “Be Kind Rewind.” Stop cyberbullying me! While I grant you that ICE CREAM MAN is a flawed film with a chaotic production that brings to mind a budget ballooning to four times its original estimation due to numerous unplanned overtimes and then there’s Jan-Michael Vincent’s alleged on-set drunken belligerence, but I genuinely feel that there’s moments of B-movie brilliance found within the 86 minute runtime that are absolutely the Bomb Pop!
Let’s discuss some finer points of the rocky road in making ICE CREAM MAN. The feature is the first (and only) mainstream film to come from Paul Norman after directing over a hundred adult films. This child-centric horror comedy was a significant departure both thematically and mechanically from titillating titles such as EDWARD PENISHANDS (1991), INTERCOURSE WITH THE VAMPIRE (1994), and SPERM BITCHES (2001) so naturally there were some growing pains involved there. An admittedly hastily written screenplay crafted by a duo made up of the future director of WEDDING CRASHERS (2005) and the fantasy author who would pen the dystopian cyber-punk “God Head Trilogy” novels but those later successes were a long way away from the summer of 1995 thus we have much of the creative momentum coming from novice contributors.
To offset some of the green behind the scenes and motivated by a lucrative sponsorship from a Converse shoes product placement deal, Norman pushed to cast some recognizable faces to legitimize and sell the production. Aside from Howard and Vincent, ICE CREAM MAN also boasts a bevy of reputable character actors such as Sandahl Bergman (from CONAN THE BARBARIAN (1982) as Valeria), Olivia Hussey (from BLACK CHRISTMAS (1974) as Jess Bradford), David Naughton (from AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON (1981) as David Kessler), David Warner (from TRON (1982) as Ed Dillinger), the son of The Six Million Dollar Man Lee Majors II, and even MLB first baseman and 1974 MVP Steven Garvey! All talent that knows their way around some lights, camera, action, but as such they would not come cheap. As any “okey man” handy with a steel scoop will tell you, “marquee costs money” but sadly that thespian investment would not yield box office dividends. Without having a theatrical release and upon receiving a relatively dismal distribution deal to video and rental stores, the project was perceived to be a financial flop.
With woes not restricted to the economic sector, ICE CREAM MAN’s critical reception wasn’t all rainbow sherbet either. There’s a variety of dangling subplots that don’t quite come together like Heather’s mother and father speaking in tongues and showing signs of stigmata respectively, and I’d be remiss not to mention the stolen valor involved in casting a thin kid with a pillow down his shirt as “the fat kid.” Plus there's not the most socially responsible representation of mental illness but Reagan should shoulder some of the blame there. Gee, thanks Bonzo for letting the pockets dry up. If he was an ice cream flavor he’d be pralines… and dick. Perhaps most damning was the critical response to the film's perceived tonal inconsistencies. Aesthetically, the film feels right at home with an episode of Are You Afraid Of The Dark? This stands to reason with filmmakers gunning for a PG-13 rating and a tween market but they also went ham on some of the blood, guts, bugs, and gross out imagery which landed them an R rating. Paul Norman lamented, “We made a movie for preteens that no mother of preteens would allow them to see.” While this approach to horror, humor, gore, and gelato would yield no financial boon, I’d argue that going gonzo on an episode of Goosebumps is what makes this such a unique viewing experience and definitely contributed to the cult status of the film.
Then, of course, there’s the nominal nom-nom nightmare himself! Credit where credit is due, Clint Howard carries this movie (at times kicking and screaming) across the finish line. His commitment to the craft in bringing deranged dessert dealer Gregory Tudor to life should absolutely be commended. Howard screamed at the top of his lungs throughout his commute on shooting days in order to affect that guttural gravel to Gregory’s voice, giving the character more of ghastly grit and gravitas. Clint felt a signature growl to juxtapose against an outwardly mundane character aesthetic would add a much needed depth and sense of dread. How can you not love him for going that extra mile? That’s a perfect example of indomitable human spirit and ingenuity that you might find in another Clint Howard film released just a month after ICE CREAM MAN. You guessed it: APOLLO 13. The third highest grossing film of 1995.
As the Crispian St. Peters lyrics at the top of this piece would suggest, the film also excels as a modernization of the The Pied Piper Of Hamelin parable. It’s a little heavy handed the way they have Small Paul reading it and the park creep gives our gang of protagonist kids “The Rocketeers” the CliffsNotes version of the tale but the meaning behind including the fable is thrice fold. One: it mirrors a theme of children paying for the sins of parents. Our children in peril are almost invisible to adult authority figures. Also, Gregory Tudor is a victim of generational trauma and has fallen through the cracks of a broken society. Two: it reinforces the moral of being wary of strangers. Societally speaking, the ‘80s and ‘90s saw a pivot in parenting, moving away from the perceived communal safety net of the neighborhood in favor of a more protective “helicopter parent” dynamic. Three: paralleling the parable recapitulates the tradition of telling terrifying tales as a means of educating the youth in societal norms and dangers.
The concise cherry atop this SNICK-styled slasher sundae is to succinctly say that ICE CREAM MAN is a weird movie. Weird, wild, unforgettable, and for my dime if I have the choice between big box office or the bizarre you know I’m getting a waffle cone dripping with delicious hard pack cinematic craziness. As gonzo as this gets at its core ICE CREAM MAN is a quintessential gateway horror movie. Fun for those well versed in the genre but also a perfect primer for the uninitiated. Accessible apprehension allegories, especially for adolescents, like the aforementioned Are You Afraid Of The Dark? and Goosebumps can act as training wheels for future fans of TERRIFIER and SINNERS: A safe shallow end of scary stories to submerge one’s toe into can turn today’s terrified Tuna into tomorrow’s heroic Heather.
