SANTA WITH MUSCLES (1996)

Hulk Ho-Ho-Hogan Spreads Holiday Cheer In This Much Maligned Children’s Holiday Movie

While I wouldn’t necessarily call it a “Christmas classic” by traditional standards, for some reason I find myself compelled to revisit John Murlowski’s SANTA WITH MUSCLES every holiday season. And yeah, it’s not a great movie - heck, it’s not really good, either - but there’s something weirdly charming about this goofy kids movie that features Hulk Hogan as a millionaire with amnesia who comes to believe he’s Santa Claus.

That alone should probably give you a hint of what to expect from SANTA WITH MUSCLES, but that’s only the tip of the ridiculous iceberg; there’s also a villainous Ed Begley Jr. as a ruthless germaphobe scientist who wants to buy a local orphanage who also has a trio of henchpeople at his disposal as well as poor Clint Howard who plays the most hapless cop this side of Barney Fife to boot.

And as if those casting choices weren’t weird enough already, SANTA WITH MUSCLES also features Saturday Night Live alum Garrett Morris, STAR TREK III and IV alum Robin Curtis, a very young Mila Kunis, Don Stark (who also was a regular on That ‘70s Show alongside Kunis), Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake as a lab assistant, Aria Curzon (the actress who took over the voice of “Ducky” in the LAND BEFORE TIME series) and Disney Channel regular Brenda Song even pops up in here as well.

For the uninitiated (and I’m guessing that’s most of you out there), SANTA WITH MUSCLES follows the highly successful Blake Thorn (Hogan) who has made a fortune by selling health supplements and other high-performance food and exercise products. After a day of paintball fun that gets out of hand, Thorn ends up having to outrun the cops (led by Howard) and as he hides inside a local mall, he ends up falling in a garbage chute, somehow giving himself a case of amnesia, and he’s mistaken for a mall Santa by a guy named Larry (Stark) who has some ulterior motives of his own.

Now believing that he’s Santa Claus, Thorn finds himself drawn to help a local orphanage that’s in danger of closing, which puts him in the crosshairs of Ebner Frost (Begley Jr.) who wants to buy the orphanage so that he can mine the magical crystals that exist in a cave system below the building. But as it turns out, Thorn ends up having a deeper connection to the location and that inspires Blake to take on Frost and his trio of ne’er-do-well “assassins” (I’m being generous to their abilities by calling them that) to try and save the orphans from total disaster.

So yeah, there’s a lot going on in SANTA WITH MUSCLES and I’ll be the first to admit that the story which boasts three different screenwriters (Jonathan Bond, Fred Mata, and Dorrie Krum Raymond) pushes the boundaries of ridiculousness in ways that even I still have some trouble wrapping my head around (and I say that as a devoted HOWLING II: YOUR SISTER IS A WEREWOLF fan).

And even though this is still a movie I watch every holiday season (it does pair well with JINGLE ALL THE WAY), I’m not above admitting that it’s probably one of the most nonsensical and tepid kids movies ever committed to celluloid, but that’s part of its charm to me, at least (one person’s trash is another person’s treasure, I suppose).

Maybe it’s seeing my childhood hero (yes, I know Hogan has revealed himself to be a pretty awful person in recent years, but that doesn’t change the fact that growing up, I looked up to the Hulkster as an impressionable WWF fan) playing a version of Santa Claus, or it’s the really strong performances from the younger cast members in SANTA WITH MUSCLES (seriously, they are the best part of the whole shebang), but I’ve seen SWM called “one of the worst children’s movies ever made” (Total Film), and I just don’t think it’s nearly as bad as the reputation it has garnered over the years.

This isn’t actually the trailer but an extended scene from the movie.

I think, if nothing else, the way SANTA WITH MUSCLES often leans into the absurd helps the otherwise head-scratching script in a lot of ways, even if Murlowski’s directing leaves a lot to be desired. I also think there’s a sense of earnestness in Hogan’s performance in the latter half of SWM that helps things along as well, which is slightly ironic considering Hogan finally turned heel just a few months before the release of SWM, which was a huge deal at the time.

But Hulk is a performer who spent decades in his career overselling and being overly dramatic, so he’s a natural for a movie like SANTA WITH MUSCLES, although I do think he’s much better in SUBURBAN COMMANDO (if we’re comparing Hulk-starring family films from the ‘90s).

Beyond that, watching the likes of Clint Howard and Ed Begley Jr. finding new ways of being overly silly onscreen is never a bad time either, ultimately making SANTA WITH MUSCLES movie that doesn’t deserve to be relegated to cinema’s “Naughty List.” Is it a masterpiece? Not at all. Is it a bizarrely entertaining light-hearted romp that hits all my nostalgia buttons? Most definitely. And sometimes, that’s all I need during the holiday season.