All The Christmas Feels

My Mixtape’s A Masterpiece is a weekly feature in which a guest compiles a playlist around some theme. This week, Campbell Farish assembles a holiday mixtape that runs the gamut of emotions, genres, experiences, taste, and excellence. Join him, won’t you? Read Campbell’s thoughts on each track and listen along to the Spotify and YouTube playlists below.

Prologue

I’ve never written a thing on this site, but already a prologue? Dammit, Campbell…this was supposed to be your year.

Full disclosure: I didn’t realize that this was supposed to be a playlist you listen to in a specified order. I failed to make the connection because to me, each ditty is its own lil’ Christmas experience of hope, desire, frustration, and dismay.

The changing moods of these modern carols echo the frenetic energy of the holidays. You get out the table leaf, get flack about your work ethic from an uncle you haven’t seen in ten years, receive an actually thoughtful gift from your partner then realizing, maybe, they listen too well, play hide and seek with a child, and drive many miles between locations. All in a single day.

So get in the spirit, put on this playlist—if you dare—and shift gears constantly as the most random dais of performers present you with the story of a lot of Christmases. Also, “shuffle” is always an option.

It's that time of year again when the streets are adorned in red from the war on Christmas and the pitter-patter of tiny reindeer feet fills the air. Santa leaves that bitch, Mrs. Claus, for his one good night of the year without her incessant nagging. And for a few fleeting moments, while sipping candy canes by the glow of the hot cocoa, everything seems right in the world. That's the magic of Capitalism's Winter-Solstice-Sales-Bonanza. 

No pagan celebration would be complete without some ritual chants, so let's break down some lesser-known sacred hymns you can jam out to this holiday feasting.

1. "Christmas Wrapping" by The Waitresses

I definitely believe this woman works by day as a waitress, because she is OVER it! As she should be. It's Christmas. She is single. Men suck. I hear you, girl! 

You've probably heard this ditty because it's catchy AF and really the darling of any non-caroling X-Mas playlist. But it lives up to the hype! It's fun to bop and sing a-long to and it's oh so...‘80s? Really it seems more from some familiar time that I can't quite place, but I want to go to there. The video features that hazy look and freeze-frame technology that was cutting edge in the ‘80s, so yeah probably the ‘80s. Which makes sense because this is the star-wipe of Christmas songs; which, oddly enough, is a good thing.

2. “Rock N Roll Santa” by Jan Terri

This is art. 

I like to think of Jan telling friends and family to check out her new music video, acting modestly as they feign impressed consternation. Then she pops in a VHS and the crowd fills with "ooooh wow" and "now that's something". And def one or two "now what exactly are you saying?" It doesn't matter what she's saying! It's a mood! Get into it!

There are many tiny details to appreciate upon repeat listenings and viewings. Like how she shouts out her friend Cindy's place like it's a downtown landmark. "Oh, you mean Cindy's Dinner with their famous pancakes?" "Nope, just my friend Cindy's house..." Or what about the fact that Santa's presence and guitar prowess are never explained. In the video, it's clearly December, shouldn't he be at the north pole busting elf unions?

(Editor’s note: While this is also part of the YouTube playlist at the bottom, we here at Neon Splatter felt it was vital that readers didn’t miss watching the incredible music video for “Rock N Roll Santa”, and so it is presented here for your viewing pleasure.)

3. “Run Rudolph Run” by Chuck Berry

Now this one is fun because it contains a mystery! The mystery being the song goes "Run Run Rudolph" but the song is called "Run Rudolph Run" As a matter of fact, never in the song does Mr. Berry utter that titular sentence. So what or who is behind this? Paranormal alien 5G? The Heat Miser?

Whether this is just a hipster’s favorite Christmas bop or something more sinister only Chuck Berry knows for sure...and he died a few years ago so looks like we will have to follow the scrolls he left behind.

4. “Christmas Tree” by Lady Gaga

Remember back when Lady Gaga and Space Cowboy were a thing? I know it's hard but if you really try you can kinda make out the “Just Dance”-era Gaga complete with hair bow and ca'raazy lyrics. Well, if you need a refresher I've got just the thing for you…presenting this timeless (TIMELESS) Christmas classic!

5. “December” by Ariana Grande

Don't let the cringe EP title Christmas & Chill turn you off from this sexy yuletide aural experience. Transport yourself back to winter break when you and your crush smoked weed behind your parents' shed and finally made out. Celebrate by getting drunk tonight on peppermint Schnapps and sliding into your old HS flame's DM. Sure they are married now, but the erotic powers of the coquettish Grande know no bounds. And she needs to feed.

6. “Christmas Eve Can Kill You” by The Everly Brothers

Now for the Scrooge on your list who just loves a holiday downer, I present to you, “Christmas Eve Can Kill You”. Find out what dangers lie ahead for all those seeking comfort and joy at 11. Spoiler alert—it's homelessness. We are all used to daily doses of super depressing stuff though right? Well, you can knock one off your list. 

7. “Santa Baby” by Kylie Minogue

Now for a much-needed infusion of S-E-X. Yes, that's right: Sex—it's what's for Christmas. But who is having this hot sweaty fornication? Santa and Mom, presumably? Well, I guess it's Santa and Kylie Minogue in this instance, who... yup, is not a mom. Okay, so it's just between Santa and a random grown woman who still gets presents from an intruder. And then she bones him. Presumably. This seems problematic but it's a Christmas classic, so enjoy!

8. “Chiron Beta Prime” by Jonathan Coulton

If you love fun then go ahead and listen to this. And just think while you're sitting on a folding chair at some holiday dinner, next to your least favorite cousin, you could be working in a mine. And for robot overlords no doubt! Unless these robots are for doling out presents, then no thank you!

9. “Oh Holy Night” by Kelly Clarkson 

Is Kelly Clarkson coming for Mariah? My sources say “yes”! Need proof? You could check out some of the only recent Christmas songs with any staying power like, “Under the Tree”, but since you are bound to hear that a million more times before you die, I bring to you a super old Clarkson B-side, where she is just "sleighing" the Christmas shit out of an a capella rendition of “Oh Holy Night.”

(The a capella version in the YouTube playlist is far superior to the one available on Spotify.)