Buffy The Vampire Slayer—The Reunion
My Mixtape’s A Masterpiece is a weekly feature in which a guest compiles a playlist around some theme. This week, Vito Nusret assembles 12 songs for a soundtrack to a Buffy The Vampire Slayer sequel. Read Vito’s thoughts on each song and listen along to the Spotify playlist on top and/or the YouTube playlist at the bottom of the post.
Oh, hello, there, gentle readers. Gather ‘round, crack open a cool, refreshing Zima, for I have a tale to tell. Turns out Ol’ Peepaw here is at the tender age where any creative output I’m remotely nostalgic about is also considered at least somewhat commercially viable and I have to admit when Hulu announced they had been developing a reboot/revival of the classic WB/UPN monster-of-the-week teen dramedy titled Buffy: New Sunnydale featuring Sarah Michelle Gellar, I was excited. Sadly, those Silicon Beach fat cats put the kybosh on it so to that I say, fuck you, Hulu. I do it myself. You threw your Darren Aronofsky BATMAN: YEAR ONE away. And you threw your MCU BLADE away. You threw your Silent Hill game directed by Hideo Kojima and Guillermo del Toro away! And ya know what? I’ll find 'em. And I'm gonna raise all of them!
[SPOILER ALERT: I almost immediately spoil the end of the series. Apologies to fans who were waiting for the 30th anniversary before finishing it.]
[RETCON ALERT: I’m aware of the goings on in the canonical comic book continuity but I’m doing my own thing because some of those dogs just don’t hunt, Monsignor!]
Previously, on Buffy The Vampire Slayer:
Due to the profound imbalance between good and evil caused by the resurrection of The Slayer, Buffy Summers, a primordial malevolent force known as The First mounted a worldwide attack on all Slayers and Watchers in addition to re-activating the Hellmouth beneath Sunnydale High School to unleash an army of ancient vampires known as the Turok-Han. Buffy and our heroic Scooby Gang also amass a battalion of potential slayers to combat that ever encroaching big bad amidst an over abundance of interpersonal drama and gratuitous soft lens sex scenes set to smooth alterna-ballads.
After a slew of slayers in training lose their lives and Xander loses his left eye, Buffy secures the fabled Slayer Scythe (mʔ) and uses it to defeat the main muscle for The First, a demonic defrocked preacher known as Caleb. Angel also makes a quick pop in to deliver the Champion's Amulet which is given to Spike and used at a pivotal point in the battle between the slayers and The First to emanate a cataclysmic blast of sunlight into the infernal interior of the Hellmouth. The divine daylight disintegrates the hordes of Turok-Han and in a chain reaction causes the now nearly abandoned city of Sunnydale to collapse into the Hellmouth. Only narrowly escaping the sinking city, our stouthearted Scoobies and slayers in training survey the wreckage.
Xander, Dawn, and Giles nervously quip back and forth about malls, sleep, and another possible active Hellmouth in Cleveland but it falls on deaf ears to Buffy, who is still contemplating this calamitous chapter closure. Willow attempts to interrupt the Slayer’s reverie. “Yeah. The First is scrunched, so... what do you think we should do, Buffy?”
“Yeah,” Faith chimes in with signature snarkiness. “You're not the one and only chosen anymore. Just gotta live like a person. How's that feel?”
Dawn’s query is posed in a more serious and reverent tone. “Yeah, Buffy. What are we gonna do now?” Buffy looks over the serene desert outside a now sunken Sunnydale and silently lets a well-earned peace wash over her weary mind and smiles.
2019. Sixteen years later. A blonde woman, fashionably dressed sporting an outfit only a few seasons out of vogue, is running outside of a cemetery pursued by a man in a brown corduroy jacket. She’s clutching a weathered leather messenger bag to her chest and it definitely clashes with her ensemble. As her chaser begins to close in she clambers up the wrought iron into the funerary grounds to elude her pursuant. Or is it all a trap? She picks up speed bounding between tombstones and just when the opposite end of the cemetery comes into sight, she’s tackled by her stalker. The two struggle for the satchel until she kicks the man off of her, sending him hipfirst into a monument marking the destruction of Sunnydale, May, 20th 2003.
“Bloody hell!” cries Rupert Giles, head of the New Watchers Council.
The strap of the rucksack rips in the kerfuffle causing a clear crystal orb to topple to the wellkempt graveyard grass. The woman’s face twists and contorts to a bumpy brow and protruding fangs. It’s the vampire Harmony Kendall. Harmony scrambles for the orb, thumbs her nose at Giles, and shouts “Get him!” as she scampers away. Four more bloodsuckers leap from the shadows at the wounded Watcher. The nearest vamp grabs the collar of the writhing Rupert and goes for his neck only to be rendered to dust just before fangs furrow flesh. Giles shakes off the residual vampire debris and sits up to see his prior protégé punching and kicking two more sanguisuge before staking them as well.
“Buffy?” Giles rubs the vampire dust from his eyes incredulously. “Still with the uh, leather pants I see.”
Buffy throws a stake to dust the last vamp and turns, adorned in a typical vampire patrol outfit of a black sleeveless turtleneck, her utility belt made by Xander filled with crosses, holy water, stakes, and a holster for her mystical Slayer Scythe and of course, blood red leather pants. “Mark my words, Giles, these are totally making a comeback.”
1. “Buffy The Vampire Slayer Theme” by The Breeders
Buffy enters Giles' hospital room at Hoag Hospital in Irvine and tosses him a small cellophane-wrapped confection. “Oooh, brilliant! Jaffa Cakes!” He exclaims.
“I can bring you a whole box tomorrow… if the nurses say you’re good. What’s the prognosis?”
“Blasted hip. Might need surgery. Looks like I’ll have to sit out the reunion. When did you get in?”
“Just now.” Buffy responds while stretching. “Had to fly into Santa Barbara to spring the boys out of lockup before driving up here. Just so happened I wanted to check out the monument for Sunnydale. The anniversary was Monday, you know.”
“Quite right.” Giles sighs and cleans the lenses of his glasses. “Are you still cross with me?”
“You sent Dawn on a dangerous mission, with Faith of all people, after I specifically asked you to keep her safe while I took out that vamp nest in Yaka-Yeker–”
“Yekaterinburg.”
“Yeah, that one!”
“Robin and Kennedy are with them. They’re, erm, more responsible. And this isn’t the same Dawn and Faith that you babysat and battled before. They’ve grown! We are this close to quieting all the active Hellmouths in the world!"
Buffy rolls her eyes. She’s heard this song and dance before. “What’s this deal with you and Harm?”
“Well, erm, Harmony wanted to exchange information on Ethan Rayne for an Orb of Thesulah of all things. Ethan’s been at large since The Initiative was decommissioned.”
“But he’s chipped, right? He can’t so much as pull a rabbit out of his hat without a major migraine and maybe Harmony just wants her soul back. I hear you get 10% off at Maxfield with proof of soul.” Giles’ diatribe on danger, duty, and dignity is derailed by an alarm going off on Buffy’s phone. “I gotta bail. The boys need to go out and I should call Dawn. I forget, is it early or late in Osaka right now?”
“It’s erm, ahead.” Giles glances at his wrist watch as Buffy kisses his forehead and walks out of his hospital room waving goodbye on her way out. “Early evening or so, right now.”
2. “When I Grow Up” by Garbage
Buffy approaches her pale blue Chevrolet G-Series van to a chorus of barks. “Easy boys, mama’s coming.” She slides open the side door and two huge pit bulls bounce out, barking, with tails wagging before assuming their positions. One, all black with a heavy brow, sitting rigidly at attention. Buffy scratches behind the ears and presses her forehead to theirs. “Angie, who’s my best girl?” The other pit, champagne in color and of a more playful demeanor is barking and running in a circle. “Okay, Spike, you’re still my best boy.” Buff scratches Spike on the chin feeling a tinge of guilt for kenneling her cherished canines. When she adopted the two bullies, she thought they were brothers but it turned out the one she named Angelus was Spike’s mother. Ergo she calls her Angie. Buffy escorts the pair to a small patch of grass where they both pee and bound about to stretch their legs. She dials Dawn but is sent to voicemail after two rings. Her message can’t hide her frustration. “Hey, it’s me. I just got into Oak Creek for the reunion. Call me back ASAP.”
With a huff, Buffy corrals the dogs back in the van and takes down the cardboard sign that reads "Please don't break the window. The A/C is on, they have water, and are vicious vampire killing dogs.” “Now who’s up for an early breakfast?” Buffy asks her pets before turning the key in the ignition and causing the van to rumble to life. She flicks on the radio sparking the saccharine sounds of sonic sentimentality from the alternative rock station she found earlier. She drives over to the nearest Doublemeat Palace and orders through the intercom. “Yeah, lemme get three Doublemeat Medley’s. Two just patties and buns. The third with everything and extra pickles, please.” Buffy pays and takes her order, recalling her own tenure at the fabled franchise’s Sunnydale location, and drives off. On the road Buffy fires a quick text to Dawn that reads “Call me back, brat.”
3. “Cars” by Fear Factory
The song fades out with a long pause after it… After an uncomfortable amount of dead air, a familiar voice emanates from van’s analog radio. “That was Garbage with “When I Grow Up” continuing our weekend long leisurely stroll down memory lane with hits from the late ‘90s for Sunnydale High’s graduating class of ‘99 reunion special here on KOAK that we’re calling ‘The Bronze Age’ for obvious reasons for those in the know. Go Razorbacks!”
With the delivery of deadpan snark all the occupants of the van ears perk up. Buffy and the dogs each have a french fry in their mouths. “Oz?”
“Obviously that signature synth sound for “When I Grow Up” was developed by routing a Nord synthesizer and a Planet Phatt synth module through guitar pedals and amplifiers to give the electronic elements a gritty and distorted edge. Compare that with the harsh metallic tones in Fear Factory’s cover of Gary Gnuman’s “Cars” coming up next. For that cover they palm-muted the strumming through a high-gain amp with tight low-end and pronounced upper-mids for that signature chug…” Oz chuckles to himself. “Anyway, here’s the song. You listen and tell me what you think when Dingoes Ate My Baby play a once-in-a-lifetime reunion show at the, um, reunion.”
Buffy and her dogs nod at each other knowingly as she continues to drive into the dark blue predawn bopping along to the tunes to thoughts of traversing those same roads to see Dingoes Ate My Baby while in high school. Intermittently, Buffy helps herself and the dogs to the now cold fries until her van pulls up to a long stretch of chainlink fence. On the other side is a litany of heavy construction machinery, various piles of rubble, and a suburb-sized sinkhole. While she was elated to finally put a stop to The First and seal the Hellmouth… Buffy couldn’t help see this cursed canyon as consuming much of her adolescence and innocence in the process. “Hi mom.” Buffy whispers to the torn-down town. “Sorry, it’s been a while.”
4. “Copper And Stars” by Planes Mistaken For Stars
With the fries finished the trio of Buffy, Angie, and Spike eat their Doublemeat Burgers tailgate style with the back doors of the van open to the last cool vestiges of desert night air. The former site of Sunnydale is still and silent with the exception of Angie and Spike’s gleeful chomping of their Doublemeat patties when Buffy notices a strange movement in the dark. “Stay.” She says authoritatively with only Angie looking up from her meal. Atop one of the towers of detritus is the vibrant orange “Welcome To Sunnydale” sign. Hanging off its corner a distinct leather garment whips in the wind.
Buffy hops out the van, buckling her utility belt, and walks beside the fence running her fingers along the chainlink. She comes across a sign that reads “New Sunnydale: Coming 2026!” “Looks like they’ve got a long way to go," she thinks with a scoff. Buffy squeezes through a breech in the balustrade and scales the enormous dune of debris towards the Sunnydale sign. Just as she grabs the hem of the hide hewn habiliment, the pile of rubbles collapses into the sinkhole and Buffy descends down into darkness.
In the pitch blackness of a garbage cave Buffy hears a low guttural growl. She goes for her Slayer Scythe but the utility belt must have been knocked off in the fall. Instead, she goes for her phone and pans the light around the garbage hole she’s found herself in until comes across a Turok-Han. It’s missing an arm, badly burnt, and emaciated but still not to be trifled with especially since she too is figuratively unarmed. It lunges at her with a snarl and Buffy dodges out of the way and puts on the leather garment in a single fluid motion, like some kind of gothic matador. She can still smell the Morley cigarette smoke on the lapel. Just as she suspected, this garment was Spike’s knee-length black leather duster that he took off the slayer he felled in New York City in 1977.
Buffy quickly pats the pockets for a possible weapon but finds nothing. The creature charges again, a horrific visage of teeth, claws, scars, and snarls. Buffy cartwheels out of the way and finds an inverted street sign for Revello Drive. “Thanks, mom.” She utters with a yank causing a mountain of garbage to rain down upon her and the Turok-Han. Before the cavern fully caved in the first rays of sunrise slice through the darkness and disintegrate the undead demon. In a few minutes Buffy digs herself out the debris with the leather jacket on, phone in one hand, utility belt in the other. Best to squeeze in a shower before the reunion.
5. “Bleeder” by Alkaline Trio
“Honey, I’m home!” Xander enters what looks like the interior of the house on The Brady Bunch wearing an oversized, lime-green V-neck t-shirt, baggy maroon bell-bottom pants, and plain black loafers. Conspicuous by its absence is the eyepatch usually worn over his left eye.
“Coming, sweetie!” Willow enters wearing a long-sleeved, knee-length purple dress with a mauve hem, accessorized with a lime green scarf, a plastic purple headband, pink pantyhose, and mauve go-go boots. She hands him a martini and a meatball sub. He immediately takes a big bite and deep glug. “Now take me upstairs and ravage me, you big, handsome, man!”
“Slow down, there, kitten. Let the Xan Man have his sandwich fir–”
“Wait!” Dawn enters wearing a baggy orange turtleneck sweater, a short red pleated skirt, knee-high socks, red Mary Jane shoes, and thick, black square glasses. “Xander wants to have his way with me!” Dawn grabs one of Xander’s arms while Willow yanks at the other.
“Well no, I–”
“In your dreams!” Buffy enters wearing a white long-sleeve sweater over a blue collared shirt, paired with blue pants, and a bright orange ascot. “He loved me first and always will!” Buffy drops to her knees and wraps herself around Xander’s leg as all three girls shout and tug Harris in separate directions.
“Really?” Anya enters lackadaisically in an ill-fitting Scoob-Doo costume. “I’m the dog? I actually had sex with you like a lot!”
“Come on.” Xander chuckles. “Scooby is Shaggy’s best pal. I mean Buffy is Freddy so don't get me started on the Freudian implications of that. Plus there weren’t that many characters in this show… you know that weren’t creepy old men or monsters. Hey kinda like real li–”
Before Xander can finish his thought Anya growls and bites down on his leg. Now all four women are grunting and jerking Xander in four separate directions. What started seemingly playfully has quickly become violent, bloody, and terrifying. Soon, appendages are being torn off Xander’s body with blood splattering all over his face to a chorus of screams.
Xander awakes to his alarm. “Cripes. Even in my nightmares I’m still only Shaggy.”
6. “Do Right” by Jimmie’s Chicken Shack
Xander rolls out of bed with a groan. This Xander is just a little more weathered and paunchy than the Shaggy-styled version from his nightmare. He snaps a black eyepatch over his scarred socket, tosses a robe on, and heads to the bathroom with a yawn. After a long pee and even a longer stare into the mirror, Xander splashes some water on his face, rolls on some deodorant, and commences brushing his teeth when he hears a gentle but annoyingly constant knock at the door. “Gimme a minute!” He responds through a frothy mouth full of toothpaste but the knocking hasn’t stopped. “Just a second!” Xander spits but the knocking persists so he spits again and answers the door. “Yes, Sandra Dee Harris?”
“Tell me about mom again.”
“You’ve heard the story a million times.”
"Puhlease! I like to tell it to Willow!”
“Alright, alright, quit your whining. After spending about a year in Cleveland vanquishing evil with the other Scoobies at the Hellmouth, as one does in their twenties, I came back to Oak Creek to see grandma and grandpa and who should I find standing on their porch?”
“Mom!”
“That’s right, and she handed me the most beautiful baby girl and said… ‘Here. Her name is Sandra Dee. It’s your turn to try to get her to stop crying.’ And I’ve tried to ever since. Then she teleported back to the demon realm.” They both laugh. “Now get dressed, we gotta go pick up your Auntie Willow.”
Meanwhile outside the airport, Willow is sitting on a bench next to a little girl licking an ice cream cone as her parents are preoccupied with their luggage. An errantly aggressive lick causes the top scoop to spill towards the concrete but miraculously it freezes in midair and returns to the cone. The girl looks over at Willow who gives her a wink as Xander and Sandy pull up in their 2013 Honda Odyssey to retrieve her. The Odyssey has bumper stickers reading “Harris Homes Construction Co.,” “Lakeside Middle School Honor Student,” and "Lakeside Mariners: District Softball Champs.” The overly excited Sandra sprints out of the minivan and barrels into Willow with a gitty tumble. “It’s the San Mam!” Willow squeals with joy. Xander rushes out to help them up with one hand, a meatball sub in the other. “Looks like my star pitcher is trying out for football this autumn.”
7. “Broken To Blue” by Discount
Xander, Sandra, and Willow enter Giles' hospital room with flowers, Mylar balloons that say “Get Well Soon,” and most importantly doughnuts, harkening back to their late nights of researching and hunting monsters. Not too much later, Buffy enters with Jaffa Cakes as promised. Sandra can’t contain her excitement as she picks up Buffy and shakes her around. “Oh!” Buffy grunts. “Sandy, you’re getting so big!”
The Scoobies hug each other hard and catch each other up on various goings on before helping Giles into a wheelchair and taking the party outside to include Angie and Spike with Xander’s portable bluetooth speaker tuned into Oz’s radio broadcast. Xander joins Buffy watching Sandy running around with the dogs and comments “Buff, I still don’t get why you’d name a couple of slobbering beasts who are constantly trying to sniff your crotch Angel and Sp– oh wait… I get it.” Buffy gives Xander a playful slap on the chest with a chuckle.
Buffy checks her phone and still no reply from Dawn. She sends her a text copying Faith, Robin, and Kennedy on it as well. “What are we doing here?” She asks Xander.
“Well, I live here so it’s no big for me.” He replies glibbly.
Buffy smiles but is still slightly wigging out. “I mean the reunion. Why are we going? Haven’t we had enough Sunnydale?”
“Proof of life.” Willow answers reassuringly. “Because we want to show that we survived. And if you recognize someone just say that they look great and I have no doubt your night will be nifty!”
Spike the pit bull and Sandy can play all day but after prolonged bouts of rough and tumble, Angie takes a seat next to Giles. Two elders, taking pride in their pack. Willow joins them with a scratch on the head for Angie and a hot cuppa of Earl Grey for her mentor. Giles gets his three trusted charges caught up on his concerns but lets them off the hook. “Nothing to be done about it at the moment. Have your fun tonight and we'll worry about Harmony, what she wants with an Orb of Thesulah, and what she knows about Ethan Rayne tomorrow.”
“Can do, captain.” Xander delivers a British style salute. “Nice guy that I am, I’ll even let you borrow my–” Sandra elbows Xander interrupting her father’s train of thought, “Sandra’s portable speaker so you can tune in on Oz’s broadcast of the reunion for vicarious enjoyment!”
8. “Pain” by Dingoes Ate My Baby (Four Star Mary)
After a short sojourn to the Harris house to drop off Sandra, the dogs, and change clothes, Buffy, Xander, and Willow enter the reunion arm in arm in arm to the alternative song stylings of Dingoes Ate My Baby. Xander only looks slightly nervous about it based on his nightmare. Buffy is wearing her hair up with a frilly white blouse, grey skirt, and high black boots. She debated not wearing Spike’s duster but convinced herself it was practical for bringing weapons which she had to talk herself down to three small wooden stakes. Xander put on his nice grey suit over a black Tommy Bahama Hawaiian shirt. Sandra said he looked like Number 2 from AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME (1999) at a lūʻau and he found that comparison acceptable. Willow is wearing whimsigoth with a tan colored lace dress and brown, sheer chiffon shawl that Kennedy had gotten her before they broke up. Willow fought back the sadness at the thought of her ex, but getting within earshot of another past love did a lot to sooth her sprained heart.
At the sign-in table is former witch, former rat, and head of the Sunnydale Class Of ‘99 alumni committee, Amy Madison. “You guys! Isn’t this great?” Amy gushes, gesturing at decorations adorning Portola High School just east of the Oak Creek neighborhood. “You know, since our school sank with the town, we thought alums would have fun being in an actual high school for the reunion!”
Buffy and Willow smile and nod and cheer “Fun!” as enthusiastically as they can muster which isn’t much but at least they tried.
Conversely Xander quips with a grin “Yeah! We just can’t get enough high school and this in no way feels like a setting shortcut for a cheap WB teen drama!”
Buffy says Amy looks great as she and Willow pull Xander into the Portola gym nervously chuckling while Amy stares daggers at Xander. The trio bop their way to the front of the stage dancing energetically to “Pain” and pile in front of guitarist, Daniel "Oz" Osbourne who shakes his head and smiles at them.
After the set, Buffy, Willow, and Xander rush to Oz who’s coiling his guitar cable, as sweaty and out of breath as they are. “So…” Willow inquires, “no woof woof?”
“No, um, not for a while” Oz answers with a blush.
“You guys catch up.” Xander offers. “I’ll get us some refreshment.” Xander gets in line for the mobbed buffet and recognizes the person in front of him. “Hey, is that you Tor Hauer, you old hyena bully? You look great!” At the front of the line he sees Andrew Wells, former member of the villainous Trio, and Clement, the loose-skinned demon, are working as caterers. “Clem and Andrew, I don’t remember detentions with either of you. What are you guys doing here?”
“Amy hired us.” Andrew replies.
“Yeah, it’s a nice little gig, you know. At least before the wedding season is in full swing.” Clem adds, handing Xander a card that reads “Beelze-Buddies Bites & Beverages.”
“Hey,” Xander fake scolds Andrew. “You aren’t conjuring demons are you?”
“Only this tall, flappy drink of demonic water.” Andrew jokes back.
“You guys. You look great! Lemme get five cups of punch. Oh, are those onion blossoms?”
Harmony skulks in the shadows near the front door and whispers “Drink of my blood. Eat of my blossom.
9. “Press Gang” by The Murder City Devils
“Look who I saw at the buffet table!” Xander announces holding two cups of punch and a plate of fried onion blossoms. “Doesn’t she look great?”
“Very funny.” Marcie Ross, former FBI agent, former CIA operative, and former invisible woman says with an ironic chuckle while handing Oz and Willow cups of punch. Xander hands Buffy a cup as well. Xander downs his cup in one gulp and hands the other to Buffy.
Willow takes a sip and smells the cup quizzically. “Is that… eelsbane?” She slaps the cup out of Buffy’s hand before she can take a sip. “Wait, there’s a spell on the punch!”
At the entrance Harmony arrives with a gaggle of vampires and Ethan Rayne sporting a prominent scar on the side of his head and an outfit that is right out of the evil villain handbook wearing a grey suit with a black satin shirt buttoned to the top. Xander clocks the similarity of their apparel as they look each other up and down.
Buffy rushes to intercept them and stands in front of Amy. "Don't worry. They can't come in unless they're invited."
Amy looks nervously. "I already invited them." Buffy stares at her in disbelief. "They're alums!” Amy replies with a sinister smirk. The evildoers step into the gym with confidence. Buffy hears her friends hacking and retching and runs back to them as the villains trail slowly behind her.
“Finish the spell.” Ethan Rayne mutters with a wince as he hands Harmony and to the Scoobies surprise, Amy each a written incantation. They speak the words and suddenly everyone who has drunk the punch metamorphs into a vampire and begins to encircle the Slayer. Naturally, that was the exact moment that Dawn decided to call.
“Dawnie, I’m gonna have to call you back.”
10. “Tale Of Brave Ulysses” by Cream
Vampified Xander lunges at Buffy attempting to bite her neck. Buffy flips over him to be greeted by the vamped-out Willow and Oz snarling and clawing at her. The Slayer grabs her friends by the wrist and bowls them into Xander knocking them all to the ground. Buffy straddles Xander and goes to stake him but stops herself, allowing vampified classmate Trisha Waldman a chance to attack her. Ethan laughs maniacally.
“That’s what they get for leaving me as a rat for three years!” Amy laughs bitterly.
Harmony joins the wicked boasting with “Yeah, that’s what you get for stealing my boyfriend! Hey, is that his jacket?” Ethan and Amy cast judgemental glares at Harmony. Trisha is gnawing on Buffy’s stake until she can flip her away without staking her.
At every turn Buffy is assailed with sharp toothed attackers but she’s trying not to fight back too hard for fear of harming innocent people under the control of a magical transmogrification spell. For the first time she’s grateful for her graduation class’s high mortality rate. After several minutes of Jason “Crazy Jay” who just got released from a mental institution Dingoes At My Baby frontman Devon MacLeish, she’s able to fight and fling her way near the buffet where she finds Andrew and Clem cowering under a table. “What’s the sitch? What did you do?” Buffy asks Andrew with desperation.
“Nothing! Amy made the punch, we just served it.” Andrew replies without masking his own fear of being devoured by vamps.
As throngs of vampires descend upon Andrew, Clem, and Buffy she flips the table and uses it to shield the three of them from the bloodsuckers as she weighs her choices. Either kill her friends who have turned into vampires or allow them to tear her apart. She sees a few other unvamped reunion guests running and shrieking for their lives. Just when all seems lost she hears a robotic voice saying "THE BLUETOOTH DEVICE IS CONNECTED SUCCESSFULLY" followed by the famous, descending classic rock chords of D5, C add 9, G/B, and B♭6 driven by Eric Clapton's iconic wah-wah pedal. Giles enters wearing his corduroy jacket over his hospital gown, holding Xander’s bluetooth speaker, and leaning on Sandra Dee Harris who’s only barely holding back the growling Angie and Spike.
“Ripper?” Ethan approaches Giles with hands up.
Giles replies bitterly with “Ponce” and proceeds to smash the bluetooth speaker over his old friend and adversary’s scarred head.
11. “Celebrity Skin” by Hole
“Buffy!” Giles yells “It’s the punchbowl!” Buffy scans the buffet to see the glowing Orb Of Thesulah embedded in the glass punchbowl. She slides across the table sending hors d'oeuvres and plasticware everywhere. She finally arrives at the large glass bowl, flips over the table with it in grasp, and smashes it on the Portola maple hardwood gym floor with a blinding flash of light.
Everyone infected with the curse collapses to the ground but Harmony and her ten vampire compatriots are still poised for a fight. The smashing of the bluetooth speaker causes the PA to resume Oz’s reunion playlist. When Hole kicks on, Buffy smiles, throws one stake into the chest of the nearest vampire, pulls two more stakes from her pockets, and barrels at the bevy of bloodsuckers. Buffy runs up on the projectile pierced parasite and kicks off the protruding post thus dusting the demon. “Can I borrow this? You look great.” Buffy whispers to ‘98 homecoming co-queen Holly Charleston as she smashes a wooden folding chair over one vampire and stakes another with the jagged shard.
Amy attempts to run. Willow uses telekinesis to slam the doors shut causing Amy to run full steam into the aluminum and tempered glass door.
“Sandra, honey.” Buffy shouts from the middle of fisticuffs with three vampires. “Can you let go of the boys’ leashes? I could use a paw here.”
“What? Why?” Sandra asks incredulously. The dogs keep pulling and barking. If Sandra wasn’t so strong they would have already pulled her with them.
“They’re slay dogs!” Buffy says blocking a kick and parrying another one attempting to bite.
“Sledding? In May?” Sandra asks.
“Not sleigh.” Buffy is downed but using a broken chair to hold two vampires at bay. “S-L-A-Y.” Sandra immediately releases the hounds who go on an absolute rampage. They pounce and pin bloodsuckers allowing Buffy to stake them with ease.
“What about this?” Sandra asks, brandishing the Slayer Scythe. Buffy gives an eager nod and Sandra underhand lobs it across the gym. A vamp lunges at Sandra only to be staked by Xander with a table leg before it can touch her.
Buffy catches the mystical weapon and swings it around eviscerating several vampires and then delivers a doublehanded throw to imbed it in the chest of Harmony who utters “Oh, poop.” before crumbling into dust.
12. “Tender” by Blur
Buffy makes sure Giles takes the weight off his hip and checks to see that everyone is alright. In the process she notices the blood and stains splattered all over her frilly top and sighs. “You look great!” Xander says with a Cheshire grin and a thumbs up. He turns to his daughter. “Not that I don’t appreciate you, but… how?” Xander asks, scanning the thrashed traces of his twentieth high school reunion.
“I heard the screaming on Oz’s radio show and got Giles right away! I may have dented the Odyssey. Does this make me part of the Scooby Gang?”
Buffy, Willow, and Giles all say “Yep” but Xander yells “No.”
Willow crouches down near the woozy Amy and looks her deep in the eyes. “Amy, take this from a recovering abraca-addict. Magic is a privilege that, by the goddess, you no longer deserve to wield. Cio che fu non e piu. Cio che fu fatto disfa. Passato e il pericolo, finita e la prova. Metti le cosa a posto!” Through this incantation Willow saps Amy of all her magic. “I trust that will be the end of it?” Willow says confidently with a darkness in her eyes, dusts her hands off, and skips back to her friends, resuming an air of light bubbliness. “Welp, might as well get our dance on.”
Former cheerleader Lishanne Davis helps Scot Hope to his feet. They’re both bloody and battered and behold these bosom buddies boogieing to Blur with bewilderment. “What the frilly heck?” Scot complains watching father and daughter do Xander’s patented “Snoopy Dance.” “We all almost died and they’re laughing and dancing like nothing happened?”
“Yeah,” Amy interjects despondently. “They’ve been doing this to me for twenty years.”
