Life On Hold Mixtape
My Mixtape’s A Masterpiece is a weekly feature in which a guest compiles a playlist around some theme. This week, Jackie Jardine assembles 12 songs that offer comfort and commiseration in a very difficult time. Read Jackie’s thoughts on each song and listen along to the Spotify playlist on top and/or the YouTube playlist at the bottom of the post.
TW: Self-harm, suicide
For the past five weeks and counting, I’ve been on Family Medical Leave tending to my bedridden mother’s needs while worrying over my father’s declining health during his hospitalization. These four walls have been theirs for nearly 40 years. But with its multi-story structure and my father’s deteriorating mobility…how much longer can this be their home? I’m weighing tough decisions while nursing old wounds never fully healed. I’m broke in funds and broken in spirit. And I’m hoping that this music can be my salvation.
1) “Every Day Is Exactly The Same” by Nine Inch Nails
Days like this, where I’m tending to bed baths, laundry, cleaning, meals, medications, and so much more personal needs that I’d just as soon not discuss…well, it makes me miss the days when I was just bemoaning the monotony of the day job. This routine of parental care has become the new normal. I’m crying every day over everything, over nothing. I’m trying to keep it together and remember that this won’t last forever. But I’m not sure what comes after.
2) “Under Pressure” by Queen & David Bowie
My mother’s cognitive decline and physical deterioration over the years has led her to be completely reliant upon my father. My father’s multi-diagnosis problem—in which one treatment conflicts with another—has doctors confounded. My husband and I step in as caregivers for my mother, while we await word on my father’s prognosis. Everything is terrible. Everything is wrong. I feel helpless at the helm of a sinking ship.
3) “Wave Of Mutilation” by Pixies
In full transparency, I’ve struggled with self-harm in the past. And to some degree, I still struggle with it. This is not to advertise, and certainly not to glamorize the struggle. This is just a recognition of the truth: that this ordeal has me in a dark mental space. It’s the silence of my old bedroom at night. It’s the nonstop questions from my mother, whose anxiety has her on a loop of constantly wanting to know the when/how/where of every minute—with no memory of having already asked. I barely know who I am anymore, but at least there’s a hint of surf rock to keep me company.
4) “Burning Down The House” by The Talking Heads
No, I don’t want to set fire to my parent’s home. Not really. I just want them to be in a safe environment, sanitized of every bad memory. We can pack up the good times and send them onward to a place my parents deserve to spend their golden years. This is not that place. What little space exists is being swallowed by medical equipment and supplies. Appliances and fixtures are breaking too often and without explanation— glass shower doors shattering without provocation. Flooding in the garage. The environment is actively antagonistic. Truly, this house is cursed.
5) “Mary Jane’s Last Dance” by Tom Petty And The Heartbreakers
Music and marijuana. Is there a better combination of self-care? Petty’s “Mary Jane” is weed personified, a girl untethered by the constraints of society’s expectations. So I’ll put on my party dress, grab a snack, and get grooving. Dissociative smoking sessions lull me into a temporary reprieve—that this is all a wild plot happening to someone who isn’t me. But no, it’s real. It’s actually happening to my family. The pain in my knee returns. The pain in my heart never left.
6) “Morning, Noon and Night” by Jack White
If thoughts and prayers or heart emojis could manifest as tangible help from people who are well-intentioned, everything would be perfect, ya know? My parents would be in their prime, planning their next concert outing. The house would be clean and clutter-free from all the medical equipment in this broken-down makeshift hospital. James and I could take a lavish vacation. But that’s just not how it works. This operation is being run on our blood, our sweat, our tears, and our time. I just wish we had more time for ourselves, each other. If my husband was a godly person, he’d likely be canonized a saint. But for now he’s my helpful little heathen seeing us through our collective hell.
7) “I Get Overwhelmed” by Dark Rooms
Sometimes you need to examine the most pressing anxiety and weigh it against the pile of everyday mundane anxieties that plague all of us. This current anxiety—my parents’ health, their home, their future, their finances…soars way above wasted time and opportunities and youth. Though it does press the issue of making changes now in our lives. My husband and I have no children. All we have is each other. Is that enough to see us through old age?
8) “On The Nature Of Daylight” by Max Richter
This track is dedicated to the ugly criers. Anytime Max Richter’s violin cues up this instrumental track in movies or TV, you know you’re in for a good one—red-eyed, snot-nosed, and wailing. And sometimes you just need a good controlled-release cry. The key is stopping. And if you’re an expert, 6 minutes is a good cutoff. But this one lingers for me. It’s about love and loss. But I think it’s also about acceptance of truth.
9) “Landslide” by Fleetwood Mac
Of the vast catalogue of classic rock music that I’ve adopted from my father’s towering CD collection, it seemed fitting that I chose “Landslide” to dance with him at my wedding. Some say Stevie Nicks wrote this song about the relationship she had with her father. At the time this Mixtape Masterpiece was written, my father was still hospitalized. And seeing him suddenly so gray and frail was a change no child is prepared for. It was a realization of the changing season of our lives. And I am very much afraid of these changes.
10) “Sweet Freedom” by Michael McDonald
This song just sounds like my childhood, plain and simple. So when my dad was released from the hospital and then discharged from the rehabilitation center, this seems like the right song to mark the occasion. There’s still so much uncertainty with their future care. But for right now, there’s their favorite yacht rocker. And that’s okay.
11) “You Can Call Me Al” by Paul Simon
If you made it through the first 9 tracks without wincing, groaning, or tearing up you deserve a reward. Something unexpected. Something fun. Something that speaks of nonsense on midlife crises and mistaken identities. I can’t take credit for this one. Paul Simon reminds my husband of his parents—his father and late mother. This track was solely his idea. And I absolutely love it. In another universe, at another party they’re drinking and dancing with my parents, with “Betty and Al” too.
12) “Hold On, I’m Comin’” by Sam And Dave
This song is about finding your person. Maybe yours is a sibling or lifelong friend. Maybe it’s your neighbor. Maybe it’s someone separated by many miles, or someone you see every day. Everyone deserves a person. You’re so much stronger than you even realize, but don’t suffer in silence. Reach out to your person. Share your truth and your struggle, because there is no shame in saying, “I need help.” And If you’re in a crisis or having thoughts of suicide or self-harm, please reach out to the 988 Lifeline. You’re important. You’re loved. And if you’re listening to this mix, I’m with you.
Just hold on.
