My So-Called Slasher Life
My Mixtape’s A Masterpiece is a weekly feature in which a guest compiles a playlist around some theme. This week, Morgan Rankin assembles 14 songs for a soundtrack to a ‘90s slasher film that never was (but should’ve been). Read Morgan’s thoughts on each song and listen along to the Spotify playlist on top and/or the YouTube playlist at the bottom of the post.
As a fan of horror films, it’s no surprise to many who know me that my favorite subgenre is slashers. I know most think the genre has a simple formula of killers going after anyone who indulges in sex and drugs but it’s more complex than that. You gotta have the motive, creative death scenes, a killer with a unique costume and you gotta deal with multiple characters all with different personalities… and that just might be the scariest part.
The ‘80s were definitely the golden age for slashers but the late ‘90s did help pick it back up when it was at a low point. Films like SCREAM, I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER, and URBAN LEGEND the most recognition for saving the genre. They should too because they were like a breath of fresh air. The Gen X attitude was in, and it didn’t give a shit about breaking the rules.
For this mixtape, I thought it would be fun to gather up a set of alternative rock songs from the ‘90s for my own moody slasher film and get a good taste of that blood and rage. So, throw on your flannel, lace up your Doc Martens, and let’s get to slashin’.
“Corpse Pose” by Unwound
You’re tossing and turning in your bed as you dream about your former classmate who was not only recently voted Prom Queen but was also murdered just a few days ago. You keep seeing her screaming out for help but the sight of a stranger wearing a skeleton mask appears behind her and it jolts you. You rise from your bed as you’re sweating and gasping for air. Just as you’re starting to calm down, your alarm clock decides to give you another jump scare.
“Tragic Carpet Ride” by Polvo
Another dreadful day of heading to hell AKA high school. You load up your 1990 grey Honda Accord and turn up the radio as you gulp down a Fruitopia and snap into a Slim Jim. Breakfast of champions as they say. You don’t have anyone around to make breakfast for you so you gotta fend for yourself. Who cares about that stuff right now anyway? You’re having nightmares about dead prom queens and there’s a killer still on the loose.
“Staring At the Sun” by Smile
You pull into the school parking lot and find a spot right next to your best friend who is wearing black shades and lying on top of the hood of their car. Nothing unusual though since they’re the person everyone goes to for weed. This is basically their meditation time before the bell rings. “Another glorious morning of pure shit,” they mumble before cracking a smile. You smile back and laugh because everything feels better when you start your day with the weirdo who shares the same twisted brain as you.
The smile fades quickly as you can’t seem to shake the sad feeling that a member of your graduating class is gone. You mention it to your friend who also can’t believe it but quickly changes the subject to tell you that they saw the latest installment of Halloween where Jamie Lee Curtis comes back and her son has the most godawful haircut. You would think that they would be a little more upset since they used to be really close to her a few years ago and the two even shared their first kiss together at the junior high dance. That all changed when she started dating Mr. Popular at the beginning of high school. Guess people really do grieve in different ways.
“If You Are to Bloom” by Hum
As you’re making your way down the hall with hundreds of other students gossiping about the tragedy that’s unfolded in your town, you lock eyes with the one person who makes your heart flutter. You both try not to notice each other’s gawking because if you have anything in common it’s that you’re both shy as hell.
Before you can make it to your locker, a yellow flyer shaped as an airplane hits you upside the head. You discover it’s a party invitation as others wave theirs around acting all giddy like nothing strange and fucked up has happened recently. Are you dreaming? Did your bestie put some hash in those brownies you ate last night? All you know is things don’t feel right and you couldn’t care less about some stupid party. But… there is like a 99.9% chance that your crush could be there.
“In Circles” by Sunny Day Real Estate
Now that you’re out of that hellhole of a school, you’re digging through your closet trying to find the right outfit to wear to the party tonight. Gotta do everything you can to make an impression on your #1 crush.
You run downstairs to grab a soda from the refrigerator and you overhear on the TV in the living room that there’s been another murder reported in your area. This time it’s a redhead who was also on the same cheer squad as the victim before. You didn’t know her well but there were always rumors of how she got around a lot. Hard for someone like you to believe it though because everyone makes up that kind of nonsense all the time. Now you have a knot in your stomach and don’t know what to do.
“Possum Kingdom” by Toadies
As you sit in your car and contemplate going inside the party, you catch a glimpse of your crush walking across the street chatting with friends from your rear view mirror. Fuck it, you gotta get in there and find a way to talk to them. “Do you wanna die?” blares from the stereo speakers as everyone is hanging around and drinking alcohol. You’re looking all around for your crush who is nowhere to be seen.
Someone yells for you from across the room and you look over to see your best friend filling their red Solo cup from the keg stand. They hand you a cup as they give you a big hug. You can tell they’re pretty wasted but that’s normal coming from them. As happy as you are seeing them, you gotta find out where the hell your crush went.
“Brand New Song” by Mystery Machine
This crush of yours is nowhere to been seen as you check every room in the house. It’s time to give up and just head back home. Right as you turn around and head towards the main door, your face collides with another. Your eyes are in disbelief when you realize it’s them. You both laugh nervously as you try to find the right words to say. They ask if you wanna get a drink together and you happily agree.
One drink leads to another, then you both share a dance. You feel safe in their arms as you close your eyes and let your body sway. There’s a strong connection between the two of you and it will get stronger when you suggest that you both should find a quiet place to talk.
“Savory” by Jawbox
The sparks are flying as you both get to know each other outside of the party. You have a lot in common like loving The Replacements and quoting lines from Heathers. The tension is rising on who is gonna make the first move. You can’t even feel yourself breathe so you say, “screw it,” and grab your crush by the hips and press your lips firmly against theirs. All the nerves are rushing out of your body as they hold onto you tightly. The feeling is definitely mutual.
“Christ Size Shoes” by Shiner
A blood-curdling scream is heard all around just as your make-out session is about to start. You both panic and run along with everyone else at the party towards the garage where the scream came from. The freezer lid is lifted open with a frozen dead body inside. This time it’s the Prom King. The screams get louder as everyone flees the scene. Shock prevents you from moving as you realize the killer is here.
“Monkey Trick” by The Jesus Lizard
The shock turns back to panic as you look around and see your crush is gone. You rush back into the house which is completely cleared out and look around in every room. A loud thump is heard from upstairs followed by a cry for help. You call out your crush’s name and no response. As you head towards the staircase a body comes tumbling down the steps. You gasp as you realize it’s your best friend who is covered in cuts, blood running down their face. A sigh of relief exits your body as you check and feel that they still have a pulse.
“Moth” by Failure
You try to help pick your friend up but before you can make your way out you hear your crush’s voice at the top of the steps. They’re crying for help as they hold tightly to the stab wound on their left side. Your heart is shattering in a million pieces because you don’t know what to do and who to trust. The heart is a tender thing but so is the brain, you think to yourself as you feel a heavy blow on the back of your head.
“X-French Tee Shirt” by Shudder To Think
Everything looks pretty blurry as you slowly open your eyes and see your best friend staring at you. They’re not so injured after all as they sit up straight and toss the picture frame aside that they hit you on the head with. Neither is your crush as they continue walking down the stairs and laughing. They hand your now former best friend a butcher knife as they talk amongst themselves about how they’re going to kill you.
Why would they do this to others? Why would they do this to you? Your head is trying to process it all, but nothing makes any sense. They remind you of a tragic event that took place during the fall of a few years ago. Not only were you involved but so were the others that were murdered. You all used to be really close until that night when you thought it was a fun idea to drive around on Halloween night and scare the locals. It ended up costing a young person’s life and that so happened to be your crush’s half-sibling. They want revenge for the pain you all caused, they never understood how you got away with it.
As for your best friend taking part…let’s just say you weren’t always the best friend to them. When they were heartbroken after the breakup with the prom queen, you continued to still hang out with her and the new BF. They never felt so betrayed. It was already painful having to hide their relationship and then to have their heart stomped on. But losing a friend on top of it was the final nail in the coffin. They didn’t need anyone anymore until they met your crush who reminded them that people only hurt you in the end.
“In the Meantime” by Helmet
As much as you tell them you’re sorry for the pain you’ve caused, there’s nothing that’s gonna stop them from hurting you. You start throwing every object in sight at them. It’s mostly misses but the big vase next to the TV gets your friend right on the head. You make a run for it but your crush chases and knocks you down in the front yard. Their hands wrap around your neck as they scream and grip as tight as possible. You’re gasping and fighting for your life but it’s not enough.
Just as it’s about to be lights out, you hear a loud pop followed by several more. Blood spews everywhere as your crush collapses face first on the grass. Your friend only makes it to the front door before they are shot multiple times by the police too.
“Need You Around” by Smoking Popes
Police and ambulances are everywhere as you’re sitting on the sidewalk trying to recover. A black SUV slowly pulls up and parks right in the middle of the street. The face that gets out of the vehicle looks very familiar. They’re in disbelief as they are holding bags full of chips and a six pack of cola. You then recognize that this is the classmate who was holding the party and that they left to go get snacks. They collapse next to you still speechless from the scene. You reach over and grab a bag of chips. No time is wasted as you rip it open and crunch away.
“What a fucking night,” you say as you deeply exhale.
